Hello people! At long last I was able to make it into my new job with the military, and I've been doing very well. This week I am visiting my family for the holidays, which promises many different forms of delightfulness! I have been working hard recently and haven't had time to do anything Christmasy, which is a shame.

For now I give you the short version of events that have happened to me in the past few months:

I graduated basic training and went to work
I lost 60 pounds!
I was bit by a spider and developed a staph infection, for which the doctors cut a hole in the side of my leg a few weeks ago
I managed, with help from Millerwolf and Wraywolf, to get ahold of a laptop computer and Wacom tablet, so that I can draw again

Other than that the only thing I wish to report is that yesterday was my last day of work before my winter break, and my coworkers wanted to celebrate by having a Christmas party. So we ate this big sugary sheet cake and drank black coffee, because someone forgot the sugar and creme. Then I went outside and ran around in the sun for a while, because it was the first day the doctors said I could go back to running and I was very excited about it. I thought I was going to hurl all afternoon! Although the resulting sugar rush made me feel like my head was filled with electric bees. I would not recommend this.

Bonus: Farelle is coming to join me for Xmas, and I am more excited about it than you could tell just by looking at me. I have blocked out several hours which I intend to spend clinging to her in desperate affection, like some kind of nerd-reference making koala bear.

Also it is my severe hope that someone at home bought one of those holiday meat-and-cheese-and-cracker boxes. Those are delightful.

CHEM! AAA-AAAA

SAVIOR OF THE UNIVERSE!

CHEM! AAA-AAA

He'll SAVE EVERY ONE OF US!

DEEEER NEER NEER NEER NEEEEEEER

Farelle is out of town this week and I'm caffienated, so you must all suffer my political rants once again!

(BTW: Farelle is doing a tax prep panel at Texas Furry Fiesta. I hear things are going wonderfully and I'm very proud of the job she's doing)

So anyway, I wanted to give you the heads up on something that's been in the news for the past few weeks, the Fairness Doctrine. The Fairness Doctrine is an old broadcasting rule that was done away with in the 1980s, and the debate is over whether we should bring it back.

The Fairness Doctrine says that any TV or radio station that shares a program favoring one viewpoint should also be obligated, in the interest of provide balance, to present the other viewpoint as well. For example: if a station puts on an hour of Bill OReilly, they ought to balance him out with an hour of Keith Olbermann. Now, they originally did this in the 1930s, when there were only about four radio stations and (when the technology was developed) maybe two or three TV channels. Back in the day there were a lot of people wanting to put out broadcasts, and very few places in which to put them. The rule was created (by the FCC) so that people could SHARE. After all, how fair would it be if there were only two TV channels, and Rupert Murdoch bought them both? Not very fair at all!

Now, there's been a big hoopla in the past year, mostly among conservatives who work in television and radio, who are afraid that Barack Obama will bring back the fairness doctrine and obligate them to put liberals on their tv programs and radio shows. Allow me to assuage your fears... it'll never happen!!

When the Fairness Doctrine was created, we NEEDED it. Limitations in technology meant we had to take steps to work with the resources we had and squeeze in everyone that wanted to be able to have their hard work broadcast on the radio or TV. Now, with the internet and satellite/cable/digital TV the number of TV and radio channels we can have is infinite! There is more than enough room for everybody, and there's no need for an FCC rule to shuffle everybody in.

TL:DR version is that the Fairness Doctrine was a clunky, but necessary rule back in the day. Today it is unnecessary and is unlikely to be revived. Conservatives may fear it, but there's nobody in Congress or the White House who has taken ANY serious steps towards bringing it back, and the threat at this point is just a phantom. However, when Obama leaves office the conservative punditry will triumphantly crow about how one of their biggest successes is that they (somehow) stopped the Fairness Doctrine from coming back. Even thought it was never a serious consideration and they didn't actually do anything.

Jenn was getting ramped up for Lost last night and I was reminded of something that I wanted to let you, the internet, know.

Those familiar with the show will recognize that there's a monster living on the island, which is occasionally seen thrashing around in the trees and attacking random people. In Season Two, it was revealed to be a large pillar of smoke that somehow moves around and seems to have a mind of its own. Fans of the series have decided to name it the Smoke Monster.

I feel that his name is weak and unappealing. When my family and I first started watching the show (and before the monster had a name) we gave it a much better and more impressive one: TREECRUSHER! Now THAT's a name that commands equal measures of awed-respect and pants-pooping terror. And landscaping.

In short, Smoke Monster is lame. Treecrusher is AWESOME. Long live Treecrusher.

Treecrusher would also be an excellent name for a band.

I stole this quiz from HollyAnn Vixen because I thought it had some interesting questions on it.

1. What activity can you not believe you survived in your childhood?

Splatterball. This was a bizarre variation on baseball that my friends and I invented when I was about fifteen that involved pitching an avacado towards home plate and taking a swing at it with a machete. Points were awarded based on how far the pit traveled and how clean/balanced the halves of the fruit itself came out. Eventually we discovered that the game was more exciting if we lit the avacado on fire before throwing it.

2. What activity can you not believe kids get away with today?

Piercing their lips/tongues. Doesn't that chip your teeth over time? I don't know what their parents are telling them nowadays, but my dad (the career Marine) told me if I ever pierced anything he'd grab onto it and tear it out.

3. If you could be anyone else in the world live or dead, who would you choose to be?

I'm going with Gerard Way, the lead singer from the emo band My Chemical Romance. For one, I find his music fun to sing and play. And for another, he's probably a millionaire by now, but unlike Steve Jobs or Bill Gates, he's not a shriveled old man. Gerard has hair, and he's also married. It must be nice to be a rock star.

4. A lot of people think they've been in love at 15 or 16 years old, do you think you now look back and think you were a stupid kid or do you believe that you were old enough to know what love is?

LOL No! Sadly when I was younger I believed that love was an illusion. It took the love of someone beautiful and talented to show me that that's not true.

5. Do you think it is possible to remain in love with someone you once loved, but haven't seen in a year?

Oh yeah, no question. If you can be in love near someone for a year, you can be in love for a year away from someone. It might be a little harder, but it's just as true.

Because I waited so long for it to come out, I feel like I need to tell somebody my opinion about the new Cannibal Corpse album "Evisceration Plague."

It is moderately good (above being mediocre, but not amazing) and sounds like every Cannibal Corpse album made since the band picked up vocalist George Fischer (which gave them their modern sound). For the first time in my life, I mean that in a kind of nonplussed way. The band is as brutal and creative ever, but with so many songs in the same key, scale, and tempo, if it weren't for (rare) drum-breaks, it would be difficult to tell where one song ended and another began!

That being said, the best song on the new album is "Cauldron Of Hate". Also, this release gets extra points for having a title track about zombies. Portions of the new album can be heard on Youtube as well as (for the curious) tracks from Cannibal Corpse's best albums, Gallery Of Suicide and Tomb Of The Mutilated.

I was at the Navy's office yesterday doing paperwork, and I noticed that they have updated their framed portrait of "Our Commander In Chief". The bulkhead (that's Navy speak for "wall") is now bushless and has received a fresh coating of hope.

Flashback to two weeks ago: One of the younger recruits looks at the picture and declares, "When are we going to get a new picture up there? That president exired!"

I was at the office bugging the unholy union of Sallie Mae and Uncle Sam to speed up my paperwork so I can begin working. I'm still in the process of pushing it through.

So it's late at night and I can't sleep because I'm excited about tomorrow. Farelle is coming home from her convention and I will be able to hug her and smell her hair again, and I'm looking forward to that. In order to pass the time and to educate the populace, I will now broadcast a series of things I have recently realized to be true. Behold... and be enlightened!

1. I'd bet money that the pope is not a virgin. After a life with so many years and so much power, I'd expect that at least ONCE he hit it like Samson wielding an ass' jawbone.

2. Elton John is most likely bald by now. He has less hair on every album cover until the album Sleeping With The Past, at which point he has MORE hair on each album cover.

3. It is my theory that dogs dream while they sleep, but lack the brain-power necessary to dream with extended imagination. They dream about the exact same things they experience while they are awake.

4. I drank coffee in the shower this weekend. It was my theory that it would be super-invigorating, like when RoboCop sits in that special chair of his. But instead I couldn't shake the feeling that I was either showering in coffee or drinking a cup of shower-water.

5. Gibson makes a guitar now that tunes itself using tiny motorized tuning pegs. If you can't tune a guitar on your own you're too helpless to own a musical instrument. And if you can't be arsed to spend 2 1/2 minutes tuning a guitar, you're either too busy or too lazy. Also, guitars that are programmed to always stay in tune will ruin punk and black metal.

6. Whether it was put there by Freemasons or not, we should take that bizarre floating eyeball off the back of the dollar bill just for being confusing and somewhat ugly.

7. The problem with communist revolutions is that the communist party involved always takes the means of production away from the bourgeoisie and CLAIM they're going to give them back to the proletariat. But they never do, they just end up keeping them for themselves.

8. Michael Jackson may be more than a few unsavory things, but the worst among them is that he's a fool for not jumping careers and becoming a record producer. No matter how much surgery he has or how many children spend the night at his house, he's got a golden ear and a mudslide of hit records, and presently he's in the wrong business.

9. Remember that zombie game Left 4 Dead? If we could bottle that bile the Boomer zombie spews out we could make a fortune selling attractive cologne for the undead. Also, doesn't the phrase "Special Infected" discriminate against the ordinary infected?

That's all for now. Allow your brains time to recover.

Congratulations to our new president and my new boss, Barack Obama! I want to share my joy with you LiveJournal people here and point out that today is a great day for America, and a big opportunity not just for the man himself and for the Democratic Party, but also for each American citizen.

It's also officially the end of one of the darkest periods of American history -the two terms of President George W Bush are over. I'm not going to reiterate the old tropes that Bush isn't intelligent or is too religious, while I think many of those things are true I'll keep this short and remind everyone what made The Shrub such a terrible president. George W Bush failed America because he never made any secret of the short-sighted, vindictive philosophy behind many of the biggest failures of America's last decade: W was the president for the EXACTLY 51% of the people it took to get him elected, and everyone else could go right to hell. I'm looking forward to a much more even-handed approach from President Obama.

Lastly, I'll say that I'm hopeful today and I expect a lot of success to come to President Obama and those around him. Forget that he's black for a minute- this is a historic inauguration because for once we're getting someone who's intelligent, hard working, and earnest. Viva Obama! Viva America!

Farelle did something to the apartment today involving these fancy looking vines and leaves and such which are on the walls and in the kitchen. This place looks so cash I'm hearing the Fantasia music in my head when I look around. You remember the scene with all the centaurs dancing around and such? Yeah, it's like that. Man, there's a lot of class in here.

Other than that I'm still here working. I'm doing a lot of illustrations completely digitally, on the computer using the Wacom tablet. It's pretty amazing!

I had another meeting with the Navy yesterday. They're ready to send me to boot camp now, but they're telling me that I shouldn't leave before my guarantees are fulfilled. The military still owes me 1) A promotion, for having gone to college and 2) $60,000 in college loan reimbursement. So in the interest of receiving nearly sixty-five thousand dollars in loans and advanced pay, I think I will stay for a little while and make sure this paperwork gets filled out! I'm anxious to get to work.

I'm also extremely bored lately because, just lately, I'm realizing how retarded talk radio is. We don't have many TV stations, so I listen to the radio a lot as I work. Man, a lot of these people are crazy and/or retarded. I'm the kind of guy who likes to have something going on in the background as I work.

That's all for now!

After being sick Saturday night and most of Sunday, I am now feeling much better. For those of you who are unlucky enough to become ill during this season, if you end up visiting the bathroom more than two or three times an hour, try Pepto Bismol and Gatorade. It'll help keep you from becoming dehydrated and it'll make you feel better.

NOTE TO SELF: Buy more sweatpants. Man are they comfortable!

Also, I have decided my New Years Resolution for this year. I wasn't intending on making one, but then I thought of a good one: Use more references while drawing. Also, make doodles and upload them the the "Scraps" folder of my FA account.

That is all.

It would seem that my profligate lifestyle has finally caught up with me and after drinking/smoking for two days I am QUITE ill. Luckily I have Farelle to stay here with me and make sure I don't regurgitate any necessary organs, only the unnecessary ones. It is her theory that I gave myself alcohol poisoning on Friday night, but that I didn't feel the effects until last night. Does anyone know if that's possible?

My other strategy was to blame MillerWolf, who was also sick this week. It is clear that by interacting with him over instant messenger I have been exposed to some manner of furry plague. That's how furry I am, I get Con Crud without even attending a con! I like that explanation because it's not linked to me misbehaving.

Anyway, I am taking it easy today. I love you Farelle, sorry I was acting like a jerk yesterday.

*dies*

I'm drunk, hooray! Tonight my friend Chris and I went to a gothic industrial club to celebrate my engagement/Navy enlistmen. I drank the faoollowing.
1 jack and coke
3 screwdrivers
mind eraser
long island ice die
raspebrry comizake.
three wisement
And some beers I think. They also played "Steel Rose" by Project Pitchfork on the dance floor for me. We played pool, guitar players versus kepboard bplyers. But we lost.

Farelle says I talk with my hand swhante I drink.I thought it woudl be funny if I can on the computer and wrote a drunken post for you all. We stoped on the way home and ate a bucn of beef jerky. Good times wer ehad by all. Yaaaaaay. I love you, internet.r dFarelle is the best wfe fever.

D you see how I make a food of myself for you/? I love you farelle.

pooooooot,
ChemicalWolf.

Before we get too far away from that holiday I wanted to avail the intertubes of my theory regarding the famous War on Christmas. I didn't do it last year and then felt like I missed my chance for the rest of the year.

So if you're the kind of person who's likely to approach within ten feet of a television throughout the bottom half of the calendar you've probably already heard of the War on Christmas. It owes mostly to Bill OReilly's theory that devious "secular progressives" are attempting to do away with America by wishing each other "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas", a greeting which mentions the Christian holiday specifically. Most of the conflict emanates from which greeting the register-monkeys at various retail businesses prefer to use while dispensing high-priced consumer goods in the name of Christ.

I would like to take this time to formally reject the assertion that this behavior is being promoted by "secular progressives." It is my theory that bland, ultra-moderate holiday salutations (like "happy holidays", "season's greetings", and the like) are instead promoted by the owners of large retail corporation in an attempt to melt Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years into one unending seasonal buying orgy collectively known as The Holidays. Christmas is one holiday celebrated one day of the year by members of one religious group- but The Holidays are celebrated continuously from early-October until mid-January by people all over the world. Christmas requires you to buy the kid a bike and a tree to put it under, The Holidays require you to spend on an endless stream of decorations, candy, costumes, turkeys, flat-screen televisions and centerpieces- it last for months and costs thousands of dollars! The only things that can contain The Holidays are the depressing observances of late summer on one end (9-11/labor day) and the relentless and regrettable vomiting associated with the holidays of the early months (New Years, St. Patty's Day) on the other.

Anyway, that is my theory. For the record, I like getting ANY holiday greeting as long as it is something good-natured. Enjoy New Years before The Holidays are over.

I think most of the people who read my LJ also read Farelle's, but for those of you who did not get the news... we are engaged! I must no longer make references to the GF, she is now the fiancee. Which I will learn to abbreviate in some dorky manner eventually.

I think it went alright, save for when I reached into my pocket for the ring I scooped up like four guitar picks and no ring. I had to grab for it a second and third time. But I got it eventually and it is still on her finger after two days or so.

I am nervous about being a good husband in the future, but I'm anxious to get to work on that phase of our lives and so I look forward to it.

Because the lyrics are no longer accurate, I will now post the first verse of my Girlfriend Song, which was written by me in a largely failed attempt to use my musical skills for romantic purposes.

Girlfriend Song

"Jennifer.... is my girl-friend-i-fer/
And she is a fur/
Something something daaaaaay!"

I am now taking suggestions on things that rhyme with "fiancee".

I have returned to the internet! With some help from the Dragoneer I have procured a large new computing machine that appears to be some sort of time traveling aquarium (black tower and lots of blue lights), but is in fact a very powerful desktop PC. Instead of fish, it is filled with schools of ones and zeroes. It is the most tricked out computer I have ever owned.

So I have a fun evening of organizing and configuring ahead of me. After that I will work to get a few commission pieces up on FA, and maybe a few doodles as well. I have art to share with you all.

Uh, that is all for now. I'm just excited to be back!

In an attempt to get more work done I drank a bunch of coffee and put Sean Hannity on the radio. Brimming with caffeine and testosterone, I am now drawing strange and impossible creatures that God never intended to see the light of day. My present condition is sweaty and twitching. I wonder what time tastes like.

lalalala My name is Chem, I have a bazillion magic cards that have taken over the kitchen counter! Also, how about that latest political thingy to happen? I sure do have a lot of thoughts about politics and it's probably because I spend all my time listening to angry talk radio people that are all kind of freaky and loud and really loud and they sure do love the sound of their own voices. =D

Also, I joined the Navy and I look forward to being able to find pleasure, search the world for treasure and learn science technology. Where I can begin to make my dreams all come true on the land or on the sea. Also I can learn to fly, play in sports, skin dive and maybe study oceanography. I think I might even sign up for the big band or sit in the grandstand where my team and others meet. It's gonna be freak'en sweet!!!

In the Navy, oh yes, I can sail the seven seas.
In the Navy, oh yes, I can put my mind at ease.
In the Navy, oh yes, maybe I'll learn to log out.
In the Navy, oh yes, so Farelle doesn't post to my account.
In the Navy, oh yes, come on and join in my fellow furs!
In the Navy, oh yes, to to Chem to change his passwords!
In the Navy, oh yes, I think this is all pretty cunning!
In the Navy, oh yes, don't worry he'll think it's really funny!!!!


8D WWWwHhhOOOooOOOoohooooo!

Yesterday I got through all my tests and joined the Navy! Currently I am in the DEP (Delayed Entry Program) in the Navy Reserve. From here I have to wait until they are ready to train and deploy new recruits for my job sector.

The written test (ASVAB) was very challenging, but I got the highest score possible, so I feel good about that. The next day we had to undergo physical exams from 6 in the morning until 2 in the afternoon! For some reason, I was saddened when they took my blood. Probably because they say, in a metaphorical way, that the blood is the "life essence" of the individual. They also cautioned me to lose more weight, because I was just slightly under the max weight limit.

At the end of it they told me I qualified for a bunch of different jobs, some of which were more advanced and better paid than the job I had been aiming for, which was the Engineer Aid position with the SeaBees. That was the most stressful part of all, because while most of the jobs were pretty enticing, I didn't know as much about them. I ended up taking a job with AECF, the computer networking department.

And I can hear you saying "WHAT? A slightly overweight furry being paid to use a computer? Who ever heard of such a thing?!" Well, believe it!

So I am in now and I feel good about the situation. I will have at least a few weeks to finish commissions, which probably means taking a few MORE commissions since I don't have enough to spend that much time on. I will spend today/tomorrow developing a plan and not eating turkey.

That is what the military doctor told me: "No Thanksgiving turkey for you."

Here's a meme I got from Farelle's LJ. It includes instructions to make a list of 25 things I want to do before I die. I will not be posting a random picture at the end of the list because I don't know how.

RULES:
1. List 25 things you want to do before you die. They don't have to be the top 25, just 25. Don't list obvious or simplistic ones like "Fall in love" or "Find true happiness".
2. List them exactly in the order you think of them
3. Upload a random picture. Do not explain it whatsoever.


1. Be able to do a handstand
2. Own a car
3. Write a song
4. Make a webcomic/comic book
5. Learn another martial art
6. Make a Dogme 95 movie
7. Broadcast a radio show on the internet
8. View the sky from the top of something really high
9. Make a Flash cartoon
10. Get out of debt
11. Write a short story
12. Travel across the country on a bus/in a car
13. Complete collection of Black Sabbath LPs
14. Buy drinks for my friends at the bar
15. Give Farelle a good Xmas
16. Write Gonzo blog about attending a furry convention
17. Compile genealogy for my father's side of the family
18. Buy new computer
19. Travel outside the USA again
20. Learn computer programming
21. Learn another language
22. Paint with oil paints
23. Own/play a sitar
24. Play accompaniment to Farelle's cello
25. Srsly: discover point to life

Look at my list! Goddammit I am a hippie.